Thursday, August 12, 2010

My name is Cuddles........

My given name is Cuddles. The humans I allow to take care of me named me that when I entered their world and fell asleep on their lap, which of course is what we mainly do. The interesting thing about humans is they think they are the dominant species when most of us in the real world know they are just above the ants walking in lines like living robots to find food and comfort. They scurry around most of the time aimlessly, perceiving their activities as somehow important and required in order to survive in the world.

Luckily, I found pretty good humans to obey my every whim and desire. I have a pretty good house to live in. A house with all the requirements we demand from life, like warm sunny areas to get my beauty sleep in. Unlike humans who deprive themselves of the proper amount of sleep and slumber, we need a minimum of 16 hours of deep sleep out of every 24 hour day.

I have no idea what my humans names are as it doesn't matter to me as long as they do exactly as I demand. I really don't demand much. Just constant food, including the kind that comes in the little cans. I prefer foods at body temperature--the temperature of freshly killed prey. I demand my water bowl be changed daily with room temperature water only. Not too warm or too cold. That wouldn't do at all.

A few facts for you humans who are considering living under the same roof as we do.

Sense of smell:
Humans have 5 million odor-sensitive cells in their noses--cats have 200 million. Of course this means they can smell when you don't clean the litter box every day and will "inappropriately urinate" because of this.

Hearing:
Human beings can hear sounds up to 20,000 Hertz (cycles per second), dogs can hear up to 40,000 Hertz, and cats can hear up to 100,000 Hertz. Cats can even hear electrical currents in cords. Pretty amazing, huh?

Psychic:
In China, cats have been used successfully as earthquake predictors for years.

Cats are color blind,
but only need 1/6th of the light that humans require to see.

The cat has 26 facial expressions
The same parts of the human and feline brain correspond to emotion. So pay attention and learn to recognize what we need and we'll get along a lot better.

So as you can clearly see, we are far, far superior to humans in most every way. We have learned through generations to keep life simple. Humans make everything so damnable complicated. They even complicate the simple pleasures of life. Attaching all kinds of unnecessary rules and regulations to most everything they do sure explains their general befuddlements and confusions.

I was going to go into my entire life with the humans I choose to live with but you know what? I'm getting kind of tired and sleepy right now and don't feel like indulging any of my sacred secrets with you anyway. We must keep this stuff to ourselves. We can't let on that we are actually very smart and only pretend to put up with you doofis humans and your weird ways. You just keep on thinking your superior and we'll get along just fine as long as you do as your told.........

Right now I'm just going to lay down and............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

By the way. One super important thing we all require. You need to take us right away to our special doctor or better yet to a Spay and Neuter Clinic to be fixed and get all our shots. Our species tends to over populate like crazy and I personally don't like the competition.

Are you under the false impression that you're superior to your cats? Carefully read the instructions below and tell us about your misconceptions. We could all use a good laugh...



READ THESE INSTRUCTION VERY CAREFULLY AND FOLLOW THEM EXACTLY!!!

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Come on.......DO IT!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello..This is the bird speaking...Yea you cats think you know it all. You sneaky little buggers like to creep up on us poor unassuming kind. I know how you are. Crouching in the shadows waiting in prey to tear our little beaks off. Well...not this bird! Do you hear me? If you even get close, I'll poop on the top of your furry little head. I think I speak for mice as well. So there!!
As for your owners....You're one lucky little feline to have such awesome people to take care of you. Better treat them nicely or they may decide taking care of cats is for the birds :)
Cute posting Paul...I too am a huge fan of cats. Just thought I would put the bird spin on it for fun.